Ben - Anger, overwhelm, numbing, control fatigue

The Breaking Point
Most days I was a good dad. I handled the routines, the lunches, the dishes. Due to my wife's work schedule, I was the morning parent and the evening parent four nights a week. I could keep it together, squeeze in a workout, get things done around the house, and show up for work. But when the evenings came, my kids’ emotions got more intense and I couldn’t stand it.

There were several breaking points. One night I ran out of my kid’s room after failing to put a diaper on my two-year-old and put my fist through our bedroom door and proceeded to scream silently into the air. Another came when I told my wife I wanted more kids, and she laughed at me. She wasn't mocking me, but she couldn’t even imagine it. The truth is that these weren't isolated explosions. These were a part of a long slow burn. The intensity kept building because I couldn't find my way out. Those moments fell within a few days of each other, and I knew I’d had enough. I started on The Work shortly thereafter.

The Search
When I found this work, I was very skeptical. I'm analytical, logical, math-minded. Anything off the traditional self-care path was a red flag for me. But I already tried everything else. Therapy. BetterHelp. Three different therapists. One hypnotist. I ate cleaner, lifted heavier, ran longer. I did triathlons, endurance races, yoga, meditation, 5 AM cold plunges. Everything helped for a moment, then I would fell apart again. I'd punch another wall. Drink even more. Nothing I tried had lasting change. By the time I got here, I was basically out of options. I figured I might as well follow the instructions and see what happens.

The Work
The first sign was my kids. They became warmer when I walked in the room. They reached for me more. They wanted to stay downstairs with me instead of go upstairs with mom for bath time. I didn’t force any change to occur. It just happened. So I kept showing up, putting more into The Work, and continued to experience positive changes in every aspect of my life.

The Return
Now I live this work every day. I’m steady and reliable. My family can always count on me. The things that used to make me grab another double IPA or punch a wall no longer bother me. I can maintain composure almost every time. I don’t feel the need to escape anymore. I know who I am, what I want, and how I want to live.

And now my wife and I are welcoming a third child into our lives soon. Everything came full circle for me.